Dear China,

I will never forgive you for Tibet. And if you even look at Taiwan funny, we will bomb you back into the stone age. I mean I'll do it fucking personally. (Sure. Taiwan is part of China. Just not one that you are allowed to touch. Or look at. Or think about. Or name.)

But go ahead and unofficially take over North Korea, via your "friendly ties" with its military leaders. Of course I'd rather see the country reunite with South Korea, but that isn't realistic, and in the meantime the people there are living on tree bark; the atmosphere is, quite literally, Orwellian.

Bring the North Koreans food, and that watered-down capitalism you're learning so well. Help 'em put together an infrastructure. Rice in their bellies, bicycles and cars. Air-conditioning. Agriculture. Building codes. And that castrated version of the internet you use.

Later, we'll talk. You can help a few other dictatorships to become merely "authoritarian regimes," and then we can sweet-talk you into setting your satellites free, so they are merely "close allies," and not de facto colonies. (Eventually, you'll see the light: having a colony is like maintaining a vacation home, or an RV—or even a pool, if you don't swim. You don't use this thing much, and it costs a bundle to keep up.)

But for crying out loud: get some food into those people's bellies, a bit of education, and some transportation. Stabilize it as an authoritarian basis for the time being.

I've seen the pictures: China, for all its faults and immorality, is far, far preferable than the slave camp that is North Korea in the present day.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 06:37 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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