1 Speaking of "Grand Theft Auto", MADD in Wisconsin is pushing a law that would allow the state to confiscate vehicles being driven by someone pulled over for DUI, in the manner of seizure by the DEA. They frighten me.

2 That would be those who think spouses of alcoholics should be forced to live not simply in their existing miseries, but under constant threat of losing their transportation / means of earning a livelihood. That makes all the sense in the world: punish the families of alcoholics even more. Hooray!

3 I've heard horror stories, too, from people who worked for companies that made Breathalyzer units as to how often that small police departments calibrate their units. And how they sterilize mouthpieces and tubing with--get this--isopropyl alcohol. A pre-schooler could blow a 'home run' (as the police call it) after that. Funny how machines producing a lot of 'home runs' weren't allowed to be touched by the factory reps doing free calibrations. . .

4 The rubbing alcohol took me a minute, since I briefly switched into germ-phobic mode. Naturally, that's my first resort for anything I deem too germy for soap and water, or detergent. If the item is for culinary use, I'll sometimes use inexpensive gin (surprise!). When I was in college, I got pulled over once. I had had two glasses of wine with dinner, but if I get stopped my fundamental weirdness generally makes any municipal police officer suspicious. (The sheriff's deputies around here are more likely to "get" me.) I refused the breathalyzer, and the urine test. I figured blood was the only really accurate test. Naturally, it came up clean. The trick, if you're a weirdo, is not to get stopped in the first place.

5 Ahh! And there's the rub!

6 Btw, I've never gotten stopped for a DUI or any variant. I just believe in science. And accuracy. And fairness. Ever notice that since testing for parts per trillion has become possible in the last few years they are finding a lot of things in the drinking water? Of course they are! Even the meatball hogie the tech had at lunch if they're not really careful! People worry about so many silly things. Maybe someday States will set alcohol standards at PPT, and the States will wind up with everyone's cars and Al Gore will be really, really happy!

7 I think everything will be all right as long as there aren't any micro-organisms in my eyelashes. And as long as there aren't, in my body, any molecules from either (1) anything dead, or (2) anything that any person or animal ever excreted, from the beginning of Time. There's no place like home.

8 Obviously, pretending to drive drunk is a terrible crime against humanity. Just as having a sexual fantasy in which you don't imagine putting on a condom is at-risk behavior. ;-)

9 These people haven't read Civilization and Its Discontents, have they?

10 My favorite drunk driving story: I am Mormon, so do not drink alcohol at all. When I was in the 82d ABN division, my squadmates and I had a great thing going. I would drive, they would go out and get snockered, and they paid for all my soft-drinks. They could get loaded to the eyeballs and not have to worry about DUIs (this was in the late 70s/early 80s and so predated most of the "designated driver" movement). Now, the Fayetteville PD (Fayetteville being the town next to Fort Bragg, where the 82d is stationed) had this habit of stopping ALL the cars traveling on the road from Fayetteville to Ft. Bragg, and doing breath checks. This was clearly unconstitutional, but given that all the people they pulled over were drunk, they could always say "they were driving funny" and it was hard to argue with them. I got pulled over one time, stone cold sober at 2:30 in the morning after the bars were closed. Everyone else is the car was completely sloshed (no open containers, though, that was part of the deal). The cop tells me I was "driving funny." I told him I had had nothing to drink. He didn't believe me. He has me get out and touch my nose with one hand while holding the other out. I succeeded. I told him I had not been drinking. He had me keep doing stupid things, UNABLE to believe that I wasn't drunk. Finally, I lost my temper and started hopping up and down alternately on my left and right legs, touching my nose alternately with my left and right hands, singing "The Star Spangled Banner" at the top of my lungs. After the first verse, I asked the policeman if I needed to do any more. He seemed highly disgruntled that he could not arrest me for something, particularly with three friends in the car joining in highly off-key (and laughing at the cop). I suspect he would have liked to rough me up a bit for being "sassy", but it would be his word against 4, and _I_ was completely sober, which would have a tendency to make people wonder what was going on. We made it back to base all right, and for some reason, I was never pulled over again after that... David

11 My coordination and balance are so bad that I just can't handle those field sobriety tests--even stone cold sober.

12 Even if you could star in Cirque du Soleil, you might 'fail' those subjective tests. The decision is made within ten seconds of talking with you. I always take precautions when having a sexual fantasy. I have too many imaginary friends already.

13 That was good, BTW