. . . when members of my writing groups criticize my punctuation. One woman hates my semicolons, and another doesn't like my colons.

I believe they would like me to write simple, declarative sentences. Subject does verb with predicate. All rather short. And simple. Containing, perhaps, the occasional comma. And a sentence fragment for dramatic effect.

Look for me in South Florida. I'll be writing. Fishing. And hanging out in bars.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 04:02 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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. . . was a hybrid between Michael Connelly and Jane Austen, with a little Dorothy L. Sayers thrown in.

What I've produced is more like a "Scooby Do: Where Are You" script, crossed with Sleepless in Seattle.

Not the level I wanted, but who cares? All that matters is finishing.

I should make the time to wash the dishes. And blame my problems on other people. But first, maybe I'll have another nap.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 07:28 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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. . . and here I have 1000 words. Wowie-kazowie.

Of course, it's all dialogue, which means it goes on for pages and pages. And, naturally, I'm going to get busted in writer's group for writing too much dialogue.

Even after I add the action in around the spoken words, it'll still be "ring around the collar." I've tried soaking it out, and scrubbing it out.

Yet it's enough. Enough for today.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 08:16 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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If my protagonist, while driving a bit crazily—as is her wont—maneuvers around "a slowpoke Latino," is she a racist?

Please advise. Myself, I had trouble keeping a straight face when I was told that the phrase "sounds racist."

I wonder if it would be sexist to introduce a smart blonde female character.

One isn't supposed to notice anyone's physical characteristics, ya know!

Posted by: Attila Girl at 02:54 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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. . . to wade back into the crime novel. But I don't know whether it sucks tonight. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes I write a chapter or scene that's so amazing, the universe nearly hums along to the breathlessly perfect melody of the prose. Then I read it aloud in one of my criticism groups. By then someone's gone into the Word file to add cliches, bad dialogue, and typographical errors.

So it all comes down to this question: Do I feel lucky?

Posted by: Attila Girl at 07:39 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I know how you feel...Somebody always does the same with my witty comments! Good luck with your writing!

Posted by: Darrell at September 01, 2006 08:37 PM (+EHSL)

2 this sounds like what happened to me at rehearsal tonight. the pianist wasn't there and the cd player was giving the director fits. usually, i sight read pretty well. but tonight the notes coming out of the piano did NOT sound like what i was trying to play. it was weird.

Posted by: maggie katzen at September 01, 2006 11:57 PM (wIQcY)

3 Damn. Sounds like your novel is going to have thirty-eleven authors, all listed alphabetically I hope. Royalties paid the same way. Remember, a camel is a horse created by committee. Other than that, I have no opinion. Well, maybe one question: if your "group" is so into participating in the writing of your book, how many have actually been published? If none, consider the source of their commentary.

Posted by: clyde at September 02, 2006 04:53 AM (6m+7s)

4 Thanks for your kind words, but I'm a perfectionist, so writing a first draft is bound to be painful for me. And I did do something experimental this week, and was acutely aware that it wasn't completely successful. Or, like Edison figuring out the light bulb, I've "identified what doesn't work." Better way to look at it, I guess

Posted by: Attila Girl at September 02, 2006 06:25 AM (LEEsJ)

5 I sometimes cringe at phrases I've written but keep writing on so as not to get bogged down, I know what I meant and I can come back and tinker when it's time to re-write. I think the greatest danger to the novel we're all eager to read is the distraction perfectionism can create. I've recruited a couple of beta readers myself but I find I'm more productive the less I think in terms of what they'd like. Remember this is all rehearsal, opening night is when you put it in the box and send it off. Best of Luck!

Posted by: Colin MacDougall at September 02, 2006 09:05 AM (+z5C9)

6 Better than Edison, be like Michaelangelo. He carved the statue of David by cutting away anything that didn't look like him.

Posted by: clyde at September 03, 2006 04:29 AM (6m+7s)

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. . . a prison break. Can anyone help me?

Posted by: Attila Girl at 03:57 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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"Yeah?"
"You said he was 'wet.' Didn't you mean 'hard'?"
"No, wet. Precum."
"But precum isn't sexy," another girl interjects.
"Is too! I love precum."
As usual, we all look to the gay guy. "Well, that's a lot of precum, to get her jeans wet that way." Like Solomon in his wisdom.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 12:12 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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For the high-intensity writing workshop, it won't do to throw the characters into the scene and figure you'll do a re-write on it later. No: actionless characters who are just standing around get noticed in this crowd. Not in the good way. Enough with the cut-and-paste: only take stuff there after it's been polished to some degree.

(Aw, come on, guys: I can take it. I really can. It won't slow me down. Not to worry, though when you finally read it I hope you'll be a bit gentler than this group was.)

Posted by: Attila Girl at 10:27 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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"It's solving it now," I reply.

"Really? 'Cause it looks like you're just sitting around making yourself miserable."

"By that logic, you aren't working when you go lie down in the middle of the day."

He looks at me. "That's just more of your smart talk."

Posted by: Attila Girl at 02:31 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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They should be cutting up watermelon for me.

And revising Chapter Two.

And working out that thing in Chapter Six.

And cleaning my kitchen.

One cannot get good help these days . . .

Posted by: Attila Girl at 01:52 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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. . . appear very shallow to me right now. It appears that they are showing an inordinate interest in food and sex.

I guess I should try to instill some values in them. But why do I have to do everything?

Oh. Right.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 09:08 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Angst! That seems to be the key to books and movies these days (though I despise it). Make a character fall in love with his cousin, and then find it morally reprehensible. Or make a girl find some secret trick to capture a guy, and then feel bad about using it, or make someone make tons of money with some scam, and then feel bad about having all that money. Feeling bad, even when things are good, is the key to writing. Dunno why, and as I implied earlier I'm not a fan of the concept. Can't even watch Battlestar Galactica or read anything by Steven R. Donaldson because of it (and I'm a scifi/fantasy junkie!), but for some reason, angst sells. Trust me, I'm an expert on these things. I'm published! On blog ger.com at least...

Posted by: Kevin at July 29, 2006 01:21 AM (++0ve)

2 did you know that you can't make a comment that included blogger dot com in it?

Posted by: Kevin at July 29, 2006 01:22 AM (++0ve)

3 My spam filter's on a hair-trigger.

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 29, 2006 06:52 AM (4IuF2)

4 Have your main character fall in love with a grilled cheese sandwich with a slice of tomato and bacon. Oh yeah, then EVERYONE would relate and you would have a million-seller. Guaranteed. Or at least get 10% off your next grilled cheese sandwich at a Waffle House. Of course, this is only pertinent if you have a Waffle House within driving distance. Otherwise, proceed in other directions and hold the pickle.

Posted by: clyde at July 30, 2006 01:12 PM (6m+7s)

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It's like being in charge of making the vinaigrette when one person at dinner is into the health benefits of olive oil, and another is afraid of the calories, so she wants it to be 90% vinegar. Then the first one accuses you of trying to take the enamel off her teeth.

I'm supposed to develop my characters first, but then everyone wants the body to show up immediately. The advice is all contradictory.

Writing is too hard. I think I need to learn a real trade. I'd make a good truck driver, for instance.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 10:20 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Writing is hard. Really hard.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 06:06 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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1 Editors tell me it is easy. Remember, one day for authors to write, three days for editing and pre-press work. It gets easy once it starts flowing. But you know that! Here's hoping the dam breaks... Sure, there are an infinite number of roads, so just pick one and start writing as fast as you can. You can always revise it later. Who knows? You might create some memorable moments that can be used in the second draft or another project. Good Luck!

Posted by: Darrell at July 08, 2006 08:18 PM (bhhVN)

2 Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, birthday girl! Can't wait until your clock chimes--Mass tomorrow and 7 AM comes before I'm ready everytime... Health, happiness, and lots of easy writing in the coming year!

Posted by: Darrell at July 08, 2006 08:33 PM (bhhVN)

3 Actually, what I'm doing now is revising my earlier chapters to conform with the current plot. But it's slow going, and some whole new scenes have to be created. Ugh. On the other hand, I'm starting to think this draft ain't half bad. I just went downstairs to tell A. the H. that I'm one of the best writers in the whole world.

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 08, 2006 08:33 PM (4IuF2)

4 No kidding it's hard. Especially when you think you have something really good to say. I don't know why we torture ourselves when we could play video games.

Posted by: Sean Hackbarth at July 08, 2006 08:56 PM (RiZPJ)

5 "Writing is easy: all you have to do is stare at a blank page and concetrate until blood oozes from your forhead." Unknown

Posted by: Chuck at July 08, 2006 09:58 PM (R/J3m)

6 Just remember every word you're going to write has already been written at least once in the dictionary. It's just a matter of putting them in the right order.

Posted by: clyde at July 09, 2006 04:06 AM (6m+7s)

7 It's just a matter of putting them in the right order. Can I smack Clyde now?? ;-)

Posted by: Darleen at July 09, 2006 11:40 AM (rvX7J)

8 Hey, I know whereof I speak. It took TWELVE revisions to get my book to the point the publisher would print it and put it in stores. Lots of moving words around to get the order right. Of course, by that time, I was sick of the whole thing and never wanted to see it again. Just send me the check. Which, FINALLY, is due in September. I plan to buy a new bathmat, maybe a shower curtain.

Posted by: clyde at July 09, 2006 12:21 PM (6m+7s)

9 I have gobs of words. Unfortunately, for what I'm doing I need more than words, characters, and dialogue. I need Actual Plot. And I need physical clues. And I need people to be surprised at the end.

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 09, 2006 02:21 PM (4IuF2)

10 You're in luck. I am owner and sole employee of the rarely-used PlotsRus, Inc., member FDIC on alternate Thursdays. Below-average plots (the kind seen on Beverly Hills 91210) are 75 cents, decent ones, $1.10, better ones $2.36, and really, really, really good ones $1,200,304. Plus tax. Those, when combined with the appropriate movie stars, directors and advertising and production budgets, usually make people millionaires. Unfortunately, there's no market for these in Hollywood these days, so yesterday I shredded them all and hung up the "gone fishing" sign. I plan to take the rest of the epoch off.

Posted by: clyde at July 09, 2006 02:51 PM (6m+7s)

11 Make the killer a character that was just mentioned incidentally in Chapter 1--"The letter carrier said "Good Afternoon, Miss" as he passed on his way to the Sander's Craftsman bungalow." That passes for clever on PBS. The clue was that the letter carrier was pleasant. And enunciated clearly.

Posted by: Darrell at July 09, 2006 07:33 PM (dDfEG)

12 Right, Clyde. I know this won't get made. I just want it published--preferably in hardcover. Thanks, Darrell. But I think I can do a bit better than that

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 09, 2006 08:00 PM (4IuF2)

13 NEVER say never. NEVER. I didn't, and after nearly 100 rejections from agents and publishers, I got my first book published. In hardcover. By a real publisher that pays royalties. Everyone you're going to be dealing with has an opinion, and few count. Most can only say NO, while few can say YES, for they haven't the authority. Or the taste or common sense to see something original that hasn't been done before. Like I said before, if agents knew what good writing was, they would be writers. Everyone can be a critic. That's the easy job. Writing something to criticize is a little harder. Keep at it, and let me know when it's in the stores and I will peruse the covers.

Posted by: clyde at July 10, 2006 01:13 AM (6m+7s)

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I'm kicking the fiction-writing into high gear, partly due to the fact that I have a novel-writing class that starts on July 12th—and partly due to my very best critic (Attila the Hub) expressing an interest in seeing the manuscript at this point. (He hasn't looked at it in three years.)

"But it sucks," I tell him. "You don't want to read it."

"The sooner you finish it, the sooner you can get rid of it. It's a good thing, to hate your project."

Perhaps. It all depends on whether one wants to creep out from under the rock one lives under. [Insert exoskeletal reference here.]

Posted by: Attila Girl at 12:04 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 I'm thankful that in LMA-speak, light blogging means more posts than the recent norm. Keep 'em coming!

Posted by: Darrell at July 04, 2006 07:21 AM (4YZrP)

2

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 04, 2006 10:29 AM (4IuF2)

3 Paraphrasing a famous saying, "It's better to have finished writing a novel that sucks than never to have finished a novel at all". Besides, look in bookstores. Lots of sucky things get published, thanks to lots of sucky agents and editors. Lots of sucky people out there are easily influenced. Go for it. Let me know when you're rich, and I'll send a bill for this bit of author psychology. Thank you. We appreciate your business.

Posted by: clyde at July 05, 2006 02:57 AM (6m+7s)

4 Two words: cat mysteries.

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 05, 2006 03:52 AM (4IuF2)

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The people in Writer's Group seem quite surprised by the solution to my murder mystery, and not 100% dissatisfied, either.

I'm trying to get away from the type of chick-generated puzzle in which the crime was committed either by the sexist, or by the woman who likes to wear fur in public. Or the real estate developer: that's a subtle one.

Now all I have to do is finish this thing and then burn it send it to potential agents/publishers. Piece of cake.

I'll be 44 years old in a week and a half; I've got to get a move on.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 12:07 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 44? Most people that age are dead. I should know, I've been dead 20 years. 21 in November. Remember one thing: literary agents are nothing but failed writers who like to pass on their failures to others.

Posted by: clyde at July 01, 2006 06:06 AM (6m+7s)

2 Very encouraging; thanks

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 01, 2006 06:53 AM (4IuF2)

3 BTW, you CAN get a book published without a literary agent, and without having to pay for it yourself. Check out University presses. You get to keep the 15% and your book goes into the same stores. You just have to find a press that prints the kind of stuff you write. I did. My first royalty check is due in September. I plan to buy a new bathmat and maybe a shower curtain.

Posted by: clyde at July 01, 2006 06:58 AM (6m+7s)

4 What's it about?

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 01, 2006 07:13 AM (4IuF2)

5 Baseball at the turn of the century, written in a sort of tongue-in-cheek style. It's the story of my late great uncle who played major league ball between 1911-1919, as a spitball pitcher with the Braves, Cubs and Phillies, and was teammates with the original Cy Young. I included lots of newspaper clips from the era to show what it was like to be alive, play professional baseball, and live in an enormously-changing America. The book is titled "Spitting on Diamonds" and is available at stores near you or on Amazon.com See? Ask a question, get a commercial.

Posted by: clyde at July 01, 2006 08:06 AM (6m+7s)

6 Oh, it was published by the University of Missouri Press.

Posted by: clyde at July 01, 2006 08:07 AM (6m+7s)

7 And sometimes literary agents just happen upon your blog and tell you to send your novel. Trust me, you never know who's reading.

Posted by: Joan at July 05, 2006 05:14 PM (wZLWV)

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I work hard to make sure that 99% of what I write is complete and utter shit.

I'm also capable of whipping up a few pages of dialogue on my lunch hour if writers' group is meeting that night.

Though I shudder to take it in: our teacher always tells me I'm really good at dialogue, and should stop writing so much of it. She's harsh, I tell you.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 10:19 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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My writing teacher sent an e-mail along that contained this link to an article for Poets and Writers by C. Michael Curtis. It's thoughtfully written, compassionate, and respectful of the individual writer's sensibilities—along with the massive power inequity between writers and editors. Curtis clearly has a a warm heart, and a deep love for those who produce the written word.

The intent certainly wasn't to make me consider driving off a cliff, but that was the effect, naturally.

I'm coming around to the position that the desire to write is a cancer not yet addressed by medical science. Someone should set up a fucking foundation, you know.

In the meantime, I'm going to take a nap.

(Fear not: I should get my period within a few days. Then I'll be in pain, but a good deal less cranky. The following week I'll be happy and smiling and fun again. Biology may not be destiny, but it certainly affects one's moods.

Besides, with so many options available, no sensible crime writer could ever choose a method that had the right panache. Hence, the napping alternative, which leaves one's future options open, and facilitates that happy smiling fun week that lies just over the rainbow.)

UPDATE: Okay. The package containing that stupid story everyone wants me to send out is ready. I just cranked it out as an exercise some weeks ago, and people keep telling me it's great—even Attila the Hub, who isn't given to hyperbole, likes it. After a while, one ought to trust others' judgement on these matters.

So I feel marginally better. At least I can get started on that average of 19 rejections any given story receives before it's accepted anywhere. (That long horrible one that I really hate—but keep sending 'round because I worked so hard on it—just has a few more rejections to go before I either get it published or give up on it for good.)

I'm no longer toying with suicidal thoughts; I've moved up to homicidal ones, which is my interpretation of mental health.

It's still raining. Hog Beatty called me to recommend anything from Bowie's "Berlin" period for this drizzly day. I left him a message that almost all my Bowie is on vinyl, and I still don't have a turntable. So it's Ziggy Stardust, Changes2, or silence.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 02:04 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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. . . too often. I'm starting to get looks in my writer's group. People blink a lot and gently suggest that I'm starting to lose the readers' sympathies. By which they mean that I've lost theirs.

Hm. I happen to find my monsters lovable as all get out. Second only to Maurice Sendak's.

Everyone's just mad that my characters have more sex than theirs. Hey! Could there be a song in that?

Posted by: Attila at 11:55 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I took the gauze out of my mouth long enough to read a few pages aloud at Writer's Group tonight. This was one of my "shocker" chapters, and people were . . . well, shocked. That might be good, but if I choose to keep that scene I have to throw in some hints that it might be coming, and consider carefully whether people will be as interested in the character if I continue along this path.

I'd like to keep it, though it definitely gives the tale an even darker turn. But I should consider nuking it. If I do that, I have to figure out how to find a substitute for the final reveal at the end, or whether that's even necessary. If I do my job right, the main plot twist might be enough.

It's been a year and a half, and none of these people has yet articulated what I long to hear: "there, there. That really sucks. You can't write. Why don't you burn this sorry excuse for a manuscript, go home, and take a hot bath? By the way—this isn't your fault. Most likely it's your mother's. Or your husband's. Or perhaps an ex-boyfriend's. Don't worry about it."

Posted by: Attila at 11:12 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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They liked my ookey melodramatic backstory, and they think it should go back into the book.

Though I'll have to re-write it in the first person to match the rest of the material. Or, I can re-cast the other parts in third, though semi-hard-boiled American mysteries are usually in first.

Posted by: Attila at 11:25 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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