History's cutest murderer talks from the grave:

I also thank the useful idiots who opened the Dallas disco, Club Che. Promise me you will never serve a rum and Coke and call it a “Cuba Libre.” When you get a free moment, let’s talk. I think we need to open more clubs for hip young kids who got Ds in history. Club Hitler! Club Stalin! Club Mugabe! Club bin Laden! Okay, scratch that last one. We’ll never make money unless we can serve alcohol.

It's the beret, Baby.

Posted by: Attila at 09:32 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Our modern-day "Agent 99." At least, he tries to.

UPDATE: Post now new and improved! Featuring a link that (1) works and (2) isn't part of my menu planning for next week.

Posted by: Attila at 12:33 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Goldstein did what no one else had thought to do: he interviewed Karl Rove's breakfast burrito.

Though, truth be told, I didn't realized people ate breakfast burritos on the East Coast. I figured that was for us Western folks who can handle beans and salsa at breakfast without getting all gassy. (My favorite breakfast: huevos rancheros. It's just slightly superior to eggs Benedict. Both come in ahead of a quiche wedge, which itself beats out a couple of muffins [winter] or a SlimFast [summer]. Those naturally those last two are my most common midweek options. Omelets are yummy, too. Now I'm hungry.)

Posted by: Attila at 07:29 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A friend of mine—let's call him Carl— has confirmed rumors to the effect that I'm white.

I'm afraid my life is in danger.

I mean, a lot of people have previously suspected I'm white. Just about everyone who's either met me or seen a picture pretty much knew the truth. But it had never been said out loud before Carl called me a "light-brunette Anglo-Saxon chick."

Actually, he didn't say that. Someone else referred to me as Anglo-Saxon, and Carl confirmed that he'd also heard that rumor.

But it doesn't matter, because before that it hadn't been said before. Well, except by my neighbors. And the rest of the population of La Canada, California. They knew. And they gossiped about it a bit, I guess.

Right. And anyone who read the official government documents (such as my birth certificate) that acknowledge my whiteness.

The fact is, until Carl confirmed that he'd also heard this rumor, no one else really knew for sure if I was white. Well, except for my friends and family.

Or anyone who read that article on the front page of the Valley Sun that featured a photo of my husband and me as "fair-haired people who sunburn easily." But at the time I certainly didn't think that identified us as white.

I perceive this as a plot against my husband, hatched by people who disagree with his heroic condemnation of the UCLA Bruins' defenses. And somehow those who are behind this conspiracy of bad sportsmanship keep harping on the fact that Attila the Hub went to USC, and that this might make him more critical of the Bruins' plays vs. the Trojans'.

I sit here blogging, waiting for death to overcome me in my suburban home. Death at the hands of UCLA football fans who have been waiting for public information about my caucasion heritage.

What is the football world coming to? What has happened to my little community in the foothills near Pasadena?

What is to be done?

Posted by: Attila at 01:57 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Hold up a copy of the Pyramid of Success. Before the gutty little Bruins regain their senses you will have made your escape and found refuge in a rear booth in Julie's.

Posted by: Jerry in Huntington Beach at July 19, 2005 11:37 PM (3J0eX)

2 We'll just have to go on a witch-hunt after that guy who outed you. He is an evil genius, and must be stopped.

Posted by: Ciggy at July 20, 2005 06:56 AM (BYwJ0)

3 Oh, hey. That's an idea.

Posted by: Attila Girl at July 20, 2005 07:45 AM (RGWNz)

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I thought Karl Rove was a modern-day Rasputin.

Posted by: Attila at 02:57 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I was really enjoying my total dislike of Al Franken, but it appears that he's one of several people in the country who claim to "support the troops, but not the war"—and mean it.

Posted by: Attila at 10:39 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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