by introducing its new line of fruit-flavored drinks for the intelligent searcher.

Quench your thirst for knowledge.

At Google our mission is to organize the world's information and make it useful and accessible to our users. But any piece of information's usefulness derives, to a depressing degree, from the cognitive ability of the user who's using it.

Truer words were never written.

That's why we're pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA)™ with Auto-Drink™ (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of "smart drinks" designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty.

Handy little side benefit, there.

Think fruity. Think refreshing.
Think a DNA scanner embedded in the lip of your bottle reading all 3 gigabytes of your base pair genetic data in a fraction of a second, fine-tuning your individual hormonal cocktail in real time using our patented Auto-Drink™ technology, and slamming a truckload of electrolytic neurotransmitter smart-drug stimulants past the blood-brain barrier to achieve maximum optimization of your soon-to-be-grateful cerebral cortex. Plus, it's low in carbs! And with flavors ranging from Beta Carroty to Glutamate Grape, you'll never run out of ways to quench your thirst for knowledge.

Guaranteed to make you re-watch Dr. Strangelove.

How to get Gulped?
You can pick up your own supply of this "limited release" product simply by turning in a used Gulp Cap at your local grocery store.

How to get a Gulp Cap? Well, if you know someone who's already been "gulped," they can give you one. And if you don't know anyone who can give you one, don't worry – that just means you aren't cool. But very, very (very!) soon, you will be.

Once you get those coveted bottle caps that show you're in the club! Until then, of course, you're a loser.

Google Gulp and Your Privacy
From time to time, in order to improve Google Gulp's usefulness for our users, Google Gulp will send packets of data related to your usage of this product from a wireless transmitter embedded in the base of your Google Gulp bottle to the GulpPlex™, a heavily guarded, massively parallel server farm whose location is known only to Eric Schmidt, who carries its GPS coordinates on a 64-bit-encrypted smart card locked in a stainless-steel briefcase handcuffed to his right wrist. No personally identifiable information of any kind related to your consumption of Google Gulp or any other current or future Google Foods product will ever be given, sold, bartered, auctioned off, tossed into a late-night poker pot, or otherwise transferred in any way to any untrustworthy third party, ever, we swear. See our Privacy Policy.

So you can feel safe with them.

Via Jeff Harrell, who wishes I'd blogpimp him more; I probably should, at that.

UPDATE: The naughty Google people took Googlegulp down. When it was still up at 2:00 a.m., I thought they were going to leave it in place for a few days, but no—they were probably just waiting for midnight in Hawaii or some such.

Posted by: Attila at 09:54 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 505 words, total size 3 kb.

. . . from Iowahawk. And I don't say that lightly.

Posted by: Attila at 06:10 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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. . . going on at Laurence's place.

My theory: the kitties finally took over. Laurence is probably locked in a closet somewhere. They're about ready to set up the "human cam."

Posted by: Attila at 12:13 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 38 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I always knew he was full of carp

Posted by: William Teach at April 01, 2005 04:00 PM (HxpPK)

2 I'm waiting to see if the fishies are there tomorrow; then I'll know.

Posted by: Attila Girl at April 01, 2005 05:43 PM (R4CXG)

3 true, he only modified his front page, not his archives. Pretty cool, though.

Posted by: William Teach at April 01, 2005 06:45 PM (HxpPK)

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Do go gentle into that good night, if that's your plan.

The husband and I talked about living wills tonight, of course. He wants me to err on the side of life, and I want him to err on the side of dignity. But as I told him, I suspect our sensibilities are within a few city blocks of each others'. He just wants a full battery of tests before we give up on him. He tells me he plans to put a beloved object next to me, and if I react to it, he'll know someone's home.

I just don't want anyone publicizing video of me in any kind of mentally damaged state, and I expect my husband to take care of anyone who releases anything like that to the media. (Am I being clear, here? Good: we're all on the same page.)

It's so nice to be married. It's so nice to be with this guy; I can't even express it. Despite our slightly different attitudes toward life, we each trust the other to make a decision that conforms to our own sensibilities. How great is that?

Posted by: Attila at 02:46 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 193 words, total size 1 kb.

1 "I just don't want anyone publicizing video of me in any kind of mentally damaged state" - (*cough*) barn door (*cough*) horse (*cough*) ogre...

Posted by: Little Mr Mahatma at April 01, 2005 08:35 AM (BZ0tI)

2 Do I know you? Believe me--the Ogre movie is the least of it; how about some of that party footage from the late 70s/early 80s? And, BTW, how about the Little Black Sambo sequence from high school? Has you wife seen *that*?

Posted by: Attila Girl at April 01, 2005 11:42 AM (R4CXG)

3 So you'd put your guy on the same level as Michael Schiavo? I wouldn't. One of the reasons a lot of people had a problem with Terri's situation was their uncomfortableness (for lack of a better word) with Michael.

Posted by: Don at April 01, 2005 02:31 PM (FsGoB)

4 Just to be very clear...your guy, just judging by your description is far above Michael Schiavo. Didn't know if that was perfectly clear after reading my comment.

Posted by: Don at April 01, 2005 02:32 PM (FsGoB)

5 I realize that a lot of people don't trust Michael Schiavo. But I'm talking about my own marriage now.

Posted by: Attila Girl at April 01, 2005 05:44 PM (R4CXG)

6 Mrs. Atilla, For the love of your fans, please give yourself a decent time frame to recover before making a decision. Example: http://archives.postandcourier.com/archive/arch96/0896/arc0829134205.shtml http://archives.postandcourier.com/archive/arch96/1096/arc1001140395.shtml http://archives.postandcourier.com/archive/arch97/0197/arc0115145849.shtml Six weeks is a decent starting point for recovery potential. Personally, I would go with six months of standard treatment. If no significant changes occur, try a few weeks of some more extreme therapies. If no changes occur, let me rest in peace.

Posted by: Steven at April 01, 2005 05:45 PM (+6rc2)

7 I fear the consequences of any attempts of politicians to "Improve" the situation.

Posted by: Walter E. Wallis at April 01, 2005 06:52 PM (MBCZx)

8 Living wills are essential today more than ever!

Posted by: Collin Baber at April 01, 2005 08:36 PM (fufbw)

9 Right. No longer is it safe to assume that you will get the care you expect. The assumption doesn't appear to be in favor of life anymore, and getting less so all the time. My real question though, is how soon will it be easy for doctors or estranged family members to ignore advance directives in favor of life extending treatment if it is not "expedient"? Or have we already passed that point? My parents, quite shaken by this whole episode, are revising their living wills to clarify that starvation/dehydration is NOT what they meant by "no heroic measures". In fact they are modifying it all the way back to where it will be simply a DNR directive. All other reasonable therapies to treat their condition and provide for their comfort are back on the table.

Posted by: Desert Cat at April 01, 2005 09:43 PM (xdX36)

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