It's just that you aren't reading.

I'm blogging, but MT is having its annual snit about the length of my posts: it only wants short ones these days. So you don't get to see most of my brilliant observations about life.

Of course, that means that when Movable Type is in a better mood I'll never have to blog again, what with all the entries I've got stashed away in various Word files.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 09:04 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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And Prof. Purkinje once alerted me to the fact that genetic engineering has finally produced hypo-allergenic ones.

Two grand, from what I hear. But I'd be happy every moment for the rest of my life, and you can't put a price on that.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 08:32 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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It won't let me correct my typos from last night.

And now I just popped tonight's Ambien, so I'll be producing more quite soon.

Editors around the world, prepare to disown me.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 08:29 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Think about it: here is a group of people who share a profound yet irrational conviction that their worth as human beings is directly tied to the size of a particular item.

Each pretends to know that this item is bigger than most others like it. Each tries to project this confidence wherever he goes.

And then, when he has to urinate, he pulls this thing out in front of others afflicted by the same general anxiety he is. The pulls theirs out, too. All in front of each other.

Is this smart behavior? Would you vote for someone from this sex as President of the Fucking United States? If so, what are you smoking?

Posted by: Attila Girl at 08:22 PM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
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1 But WHO'S LOOKING? Anyone caught looking at this particular item (unless it is one's own) is subject to a dirty look at best, and perhaps a snide comment about one's sexual orientation at worst. See, being a member of the *other* group, I can forgive you for not knowing that looking is highly taboo to the group in question. Anyway, you know very well missy that the purported size of this item is a proxy for the size of something somewhat less tangible. Whether the "alpha" of this group actually has the largest item or not is irrelevant. It is the PERCEPTION of its size--as evidenced by his confidence and command--that is the important thing.

Posted by: Desert Cat at May 05, 2006 08:34 PM (xdX36)

2 I'll be the first to concede that men don't know squat.

Posted by: Darrell at May 05, 2006 09:22 PM (nLWL5)

3 Bah! Gamma.

Posted by: Desert Cat at May 05, 2006 09:26 PM (xdX36)

4 I stand by what I said. And I stand and deliver.

Posted by: Darrell at May 05, 2006 09:54 PM (nLWL5)

5 Joy, I agree on many levels. However, when looking at the other option there are some concerns. Women often are more concerned with the outward appearance than the actual substance or value (I give you haute couture). On the second point, women do not fight by half-measure or with restraint. There is no quarter, no mercy, and nothing is sacred. I vote we let dogs run the planet - specifically Labs. They are friendly, divvy up property by who peed on it last, and love you no matter what you rolled in or had to do last week. Even fights are generally just a growl and a "don't think about taking that bone". Much better track record than us hominids. SGT Dave

Posted by: SGT Dave at May 05, 2006 10:20 PM (lTPXz)

6 Cats. Cats really don't care what you do and would rather take a nap than pass more intrusive legislation. They follow the same pee rule as dogs, but rather than pee on everything, they usually just rub against it and purr to mark their territory. Much less smelly and more friendly. Of course the first thing cats would do if they ran the planet is to outlaw dogs. But that's a small price to pay for entrance into the Utopian Nappers Paradise.

Posted by: Desert Cat at May 05, 2006 10:55 PM (xdX36)

7 Doll, You've lost weight! Now don't be modest, you're looking great! I don't know how you do it? I can see that I've aged through the years, and you, You, not a day! I'm always amazed that you keep such classy friends. I'd have expected that other women wouldn't even want to share this world with you. But they all honestly love you. It makes me believe in karma. Izzat whatcher talkin'bout?

Posted by: Sonar at May 05, 2006 11:27 PM (qCS9x)

8 Speaking of insecurities on parade in public, thanks Sonar. Nice illustration.

Posted by: Desert Cat at May 06, 2006 06:03 AM (xdX36)

9 Well, I live in La-La Land. I had no idea that the behavior Sonar documents was considered a chick thing at all. Out here, boys do it, too

Posted by: Attila Girl at May 06, 2006 11:14 AM (34TBU)

10 "Think about it: here is a group of people who share a profound yet irrational conviction that their worth as human beings is directly tied to the size of a particular item." Women have this attitude towards their busts, waists, butts, and wardrobes. "Each pretends to know that this item is bigger than most others like it. Each tries to project this confidence wherever he goes." Change the "he" to "she" and you've got women pegged, too. The urination bit doesn't apply to women, though.

Posted by: John at May 06, 2006 04:03 PM (KTxHe)

11 It doesn't have to, as women's "assets of anxiety" are on display any time they're out in public, (unless of course they're wearing a burka). Don't forget hair color/style/length, jewelry, accessories, etc. in that list.

Posted by: Desert Cat at May 06, 2006 09:27 PM (xdX36)

12 Heh heh heh! Y'all are sending me such very pleasant reminders of the many advantages my life in a bubble. My $100/year clothing budget is just the beginning.

Posted by: k at May 06, 2006 09:56 PM (y6n8O)

13 I should ask Sigmund, Carl and Alfred about treating anxiety with sunlight. Back to the opening post, I like Condi a lot. Maybe the most. In her current job, I like that she seems more to be driving events than only reacting to them. So far 'though, I don't know who she is to any depth or detail. The only candidate I think I've got a take on is John McCain. And he's wrong on a lot (approaches to immigration reform, campaign reform). Still, I trust him. But he's got balls and a penis. Who do you like without a penis?

Posted by: Sonar at May 07, 2006 01:39 AM (qCS9x)

14 Al Gore in a PVS.

Posted by: Darrell at May 07, 2006 05:49 AM (soQiG)

15 $100, k? You have me beat! If you buy good clothing and treat it right, it will last you most of your adult life. Ignoring style, of course!

Posted by: Darrell at May 07, 2006 05:53 AM (soQiG)

16 I don't know if this changes your view of the matter, but I've compared notes with a female colleague about behavior in our respective locker rooms at the gym in our anonymous large federal agency. Half or more of the men walk to the showers (which are private stalls) with a towel covering their "particular item." Virtually all the women strut around in the altogether. Go figure.

Posted by: Attila (Pillage Idiot) at May 08, 2006 07:17 AM (C31gH)

17 "... a group of people who share a profound yet irrational conviction that their worth as human beings is directly tied to the size of a particular item" And here I thought you were talking about breast enhancement surgery.... what a disappointment.

Posted by: Lokki at May 08, 2006 08:42 AM (wSBsc)

18 Think about it: here is a group of people who share a profound yet irrational conviction that their worth as human beings is directly tied to the size of a particular item. Yes, and women know that the worth of a man depends on the sixe of his bankroll (or his political power).

Posted by: Averroes at May 08, 2006 02:43 PM (jlOCy)

19 Well, one has to admit that, depending on her positioning (and, um, the landscaping situation) women don't actually show that much when they're nude. Not regarding genitals. Mammary glands, sure. But our primary reproductive organs are less apparent to the casual glance.

Posted by: Attila Girl at May 08, 2006 09:01 PM (34TBU)

20 I bet you Jeff would say that government issue towels aren't that large. Perhaps evidence is being gathered for a future sexual harassment suit? I thought the sensitivity seminars suggest talking about non-sexual matters at work? Comparing notes or taking notes/documenting the occurence?

Posted by: Darrell at May 09, 2006 08:29 PM (fTD9j)

21 It sounds to me that Attila Girl is just complaining because she hasn't gotten any. Attila maybe you would feel happier in life If you just got a rock hard one in your cute little pink vagina.

Posted by: Night Rider at May 09, 2006 08:32 PM (jR4Uu)

22 Wow. It's certainly been a while since someone with no sense of humor showed up here to discuss my body parts. Especially since I slowed down on the political material. But thanks for the compliment on my cunt. It certainly is adorable, and I was afraid that wasn't conveying that sufficiently in my prose.

Posted by: Attila Girl at May 09, 2006 09:45 PM (34TBU)

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Should I:

1) Start dropping by the range again for some badly needed target practice?

2) Find a yoga studio or T'ai Chi class near my workplace?

3) Take up jujitsu again?

4) Work on one of my long-term writing projects?

5) Leave it unstructured and stop getting all compulsive about filling every waking hour.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 08:05 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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. . . about how, exactly, people are supposed to get in touch with me. After all, I've somehow messed up my home e-mail account, and can't send out from that.

And then there's the fact that I'm no longer picking up messages on my landline.

Got something urgent to tell me? You can always drop a comment here.

Better yet, write me a note, and tuck it into a box with a bottle of Van Gogh gin. Place it on my doorstep, ring the bell, and run away.

It's, you know. It's the only way to be sure.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 07:58 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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. . . some money. Now. Lots of money.

Thanks.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 07:51 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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What else am I reading? Well, I'm re-reading this, because it's so soothing. That is, I've read it before, and the story of all the activities that went on under the public radar in the wake of 9/11 somehow reassure me. Even the failures, like Tora Bora, make me consider the possibility that we never wanted to talk UBL out in the first place. At least, it leads me to believe that we learned a lot from the things that went wrong.

Also, I like ordnance. Can I get a witness on that?

Posted by: Attila Girl at 10:39 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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What am I reading now? Glad you asked.

It's a book about punctuation. However, because the decision was made not to Americanize the Stateside edition, the punctuation is all "wrong" in the eyes of the average Yankee copyeditor.

"Two people, divided by a common language."

Posted by: Attila Girl at 10:28 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 No. No proof there. Because ANY alien would be at least as confused by our punctuation habits as we are.

Posted by: k at May 05, 2006 06:12 AM (wZLWV)

2 What do the British know about our language! If it weren't for a lot of brave men and women, we'd all be speaking English! "The Kiwi, it is said, is the most anti-social bird in the bush, and no-one likes to invite it to parties, because, if it turns up at all, it just eats roots and leaves." Guys all over New Zealand are snickering now: Women are blushing.

Posted by: Darrell at May 05, 2006 08:29 AM (KEBp7)

3 Think we're divided by a common language? Check out Germany sometime. The northern dialects and the southern dialects do not exhibit a great deal of mutual intelligibility.

Posted by: John at May 05, 2006 06:14 PM (KTxHe)

4 Well, in that regard Americans and the English have far more in common than either have with some inhabitants of Scotland.

Posted by: Attila Girl at May 05, 2006 07:37 PM (34TBU)

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I know you've never gone a full week before without hearing from me—or at least a guest blogger—but it apppears you all survived, or you wouldn't be pestering me with suggestions that I was kidnapped by aliens and have secretly been replaced with an alien 'droid.

It is me, and I shall prove it.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 07:33 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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First hardware issues—and now something going wrong with my e-mail application. If you need to get in touch, try me at my blog address so I can respond. Right now my home account is acting up a bit.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 07:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Successful at yesterday's fundraiser: we doubled last year's take. (#1)

I got tons of compliments on the refreshments, keeping my group's reputation intact as Those Who Put on a Great Workshop with Lots of Terrific Snacks. (#2)

Goal #3, getting through the day without cussing at anyone, would have also been met if it hadn't been for those obnoxious cops from Pasadena PD.

Oh, well. Next year on that one.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 09:29 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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It was bad. I almost got the DTs. Attila the Hub nearly had me committed over the weekend.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 09:22 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Shows you that you can't give up blogging cold turkey. Although there may be a business idea in that. I'm thinking about one of those luxury spas/rehab camps, but for bloggers. Can anyone talk Kos into taking that first step? LMA can handle the aversion therapy. I'm thinking black leather.

Posted by: Darrell at May 02, 2006 10:00 AM (OkE8j)

2 The way I do it, it's not aversion therapy; you'll have to get a different girl for that.

Posted by: Attila Girl at May 02, 2006 07:31 PM (34TBU)

3 Can't you make an exception for Kos?

Posted by: Darrell at May 03, 2006 08:01 PM (zseM/)

4 I'm afraid Real Talent just shines through. Get Amanda for this one.

Posted by: Attila Girl at May 03, 2006 08:41 PM (34TBU)

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playin' hard . . .

Posted by: Attila Girl at 09:19 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Test.

Posted by: Attila Girl at 09:18 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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