Little Mr. Mahatma liked the last John Stossel book.

The world must be coming to an end.

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Discusses our lives as conservatives, and how some of us must pretend not to be quite so super-rich:

One of the great secrets of being a conservative is that you only pretend to pay taxes. We let the liberals do all the heavy lifting. After all, they're the ones who support useless tax-funded social services and redistribution of wealth. Might as well be their wealth.

Looks like I will owe a whopping $5.40 -- that is if I canÂ’t manage to conceal my Halliburton dividends and all the 6 figure checks the Bush Administration paid me to pimp their agenda.

Otherwise itÂ’s a fat, fat refund check. All of which will be spent on war, my weather machine, and shiny pebbles to throw at the homeless intellectuals.

Of course in order to reduce my taxes I had to buy another Hummer. But the ash tray in the old one was full, so it seemed like the practical thing to do.

I can't help but think she's making a mistake, what with the Hummer and the shiny pebbles—but no diamond earrings. But, hey: it's her refund check.

A special "thank you" to the White House for all the little presents they've sent me over the years. (Pssst: they shouldn't look like pictures of Laura and George on the White House Lawn. They should look more like checks, with lots of zeros in them. There's a good lad, Karl.)

Posted by: Attila at 11:42 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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. . . gives us the Viagra Diaries.

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. . . updates us on his life, which has been interesting in a low-key sort of way. He quickly sums up the political realm:

George W. Bush started his second term in office on Thursday, and contrary to the doomsaying of what feels like about half the Internet, the Earth continued to revolve around the sun. Flying space dragons did not burn our cities to the ground. Secret police did not emerge from the shadows to drag our grandmothers off to prison. The Constitution did not burst into flames. Gravity continued to hold stuff down, and egg creams continued to be delicious. So we really dodged a bullet there. Or something.

Dan Rather is still on television Â… I assume. I haven't actually tuned in to any CBS news show since September. I think I'm probably not alone in that, either.

There's gonna be an election in Iraq next week. Rock on. In related news, the President thinks we need to invest $80 billion more in the reconstruction of Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm not crazy about that, but better to spend money rebuilding Iraq now than to have to spend money bulldozing collapsed buildings and burying American dead later.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi went on record to say that he thinks democracy is "the big American lie" and that anybody who votes is an apostate. He said, "We have declared a bitter war against democracy and all those who seek to enact it." Who did he think he was going to impress with this? "Freedom bad! Me hate freedom!" Z-Man needs to fire his PR firm immediately.

Yup.

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In the course of my extensive research into the culture of West Wing fandom, I dropped by the bulletin board for that show over at Television Without Pity, where I immediately noticed the deleterious effects of Televisions Dweebishness on the human brain.

It's just nauseating: they have, like, their own little language. Really. Little "in" terms that only they recognize. Outsiders are expected to . . . I dunno. Read a whole bunch of their postings and sort of pick up on it gradually. I just couldn't get it out of my mind that these television nerds are building an entire subculture around TV!

From the Site's FAQ:

• Anvil/anvilicious: Used to indicate obvious or heavy-handed writing that has no regard for the viewer's intelligence, thus bludgeoning them over the head with parallels, et al. in the manner of Wile E. Coyote and his Acme Brand anvils.

• HoYay: Short for "homoeroticism, yay!" A celebration of textual and subtextual homoeroticism.

• Mary Sue: A character who's just a little too perfect to be believed.

• Ship/shipper: "Ship" is short for "relationship." If you are an X and Y "shipper," that's short for "relationshipper." That is, you want those two characters to be together.

• TPTB: "The Powers That Be." Generally designates writers and producers.

Can you believe these losers? Can't they get, like, a real hobby or something?

Posted by: Attila at 11:19 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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. . . for CPAC 2005, the conservative convention to be held in the Ronald Reagan building (in Washington, D.C.) in late February. Instead, they are inviting some of the more obvious candidates, like James Joyner, Kevin Aylward, LaShawn Barber, and . . . Ana Marie Cox?

WTF? She's not even a conservative. I mean, what does Wonkette have that I don't have? I guess that would be: delicate Irish good looks, an actual readership, and a 55-gallon drum of KY jelly.

Fine. I had better things to do that weekend anyway. In fact, some of my friends may just get a cabin in the woods, and we could be playing in the snow like the SoCal boys and girls we'll always be at heart.

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1 “I mean, what does Wonkette have that I don't have?” Interns.  ;-)

Posted by: Watcher at January 27, 2005 02:28 PM (mLuhB)

2 I can send u the KY, will that get you started?

Posted by: jeff at January 27, 2005 05:53 PM (Pp88j)

3 The best "lube" would be Wonkette's Conde Nast-financed stipend. Once we've got that covered, we can move on to the niceties. Liquid Silk. The 8.45-oz size, in the pump dispenser. Thanks.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 27, 2005 09:44 PM (RjyQ5)

4 If that's what passes for "delicate Irish good looks" these days, I weep for the Emerald Isle. I mean, she wouldn't put the hogs off their feed or anything, but I'm not exactly filing her phys away in my Spank Bank™, you know?

Posted by: Jeff Harrell at January 28, 2005 12:26 AM (UAuME)

5 I do think she's a pretty woman, and I believe a detect a little Celtic in her appearance. That's all.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 28, 2005 02:17 AM (RjyQ5)

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May have a few tantalizing leads on the identity of the mysterious EWP.

Turns out she may be a female after all. Though maybe not elderly.

And Ed Wonk also claims to know; the plot thickens . . . It turns out we might be able to find out for less thatn the price of a 2004 pickup truck.

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Makes this important point:

I assume this synchronicity comes down to the usual astrological hooey. I suppose another one of those tiresome planets is in retrograde. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I don't care what planets do in their own space, as long as they don't request special rights, or orbit in public parks, or collide in front of my children. My children will learn astronomy when I feel they are ready, and not a moment before. And I see no reason to teach them about astrology at all.

That's holding the line.

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Isn't that what you call it when you blog a cat fight between two whip-smart (and good-looking) bloggers?

By all accounts, Laurence started it.

And then Jeff responded in a couple of ways. But scroll his page to get the full bouquet of parmesan cheese posts.

Laurence got one of his cats to weigh in on the matter.

And I'm left to wonder which is more disturbing: a minor skirmish between two great bloggers, or the realization that Laurence Simon owns pre-grated parmesan!

The horror!

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Has slipped into something comfortable.

For those of us who were fond of his blog's old look, it's worth noting that there are still camels on the site; it's just that one has to go looking for them.

Check out the new look.

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. . . we will be given the keys to the kingdom. We will know the true identity of Esther Wilberforce-Packard.

As Chris himself admits, he's the weak link. We give him a late model truck, he gives us a picture of Esther herself (himself—and somehow I suspect Esther's a guy).

Who's going to start collecting the cash, and who wants to set up the "Free Esther" fund? And who will make the first pledge?

I'm tired of sending toys to children in Iraq. I'm tired of giving Afghanis shoes. I'm tired of care packages to our fine men and woman in uniform, tired of aid for tsunami victims. Tired of doing nice things. I'm just plain tuckered out with using the power of the internet for good.

Come on. I gots to know.

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(with a hard "g," remember)

has an opinion about electric stoves.

And she is correct. My electric stove has two virtues: 1) it has a little shelf in front that swings out (and it damned well better, since the burners are all squished together in a teensy row and I can only use 2-3 of them at a time), and 2) it looks like something out of the 1960s, and therefore goes really well with my retro-house.

I'd trade that to be able to cook effectively. In a lot of instances where the heat has to be changed quickly I need to use two burners, setting one to the high temp and one to the low temp so I can just switch the pot over from one to the other.

And there's only one burner that's big enough for most of my pots and pans, and that really gets hot.

Still, the whole matter is a damned high-quality problem, considering all that's going on in the world right now.

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If we take it as a given that it would be wrong for me to leave my husband for an elderly woman living in the upper midwest, does it become more wrong or less wrong when one considers that she doesn't really exist? Should I talk to my priest about this?

Saith Mrs. Esther Wliberforce-Packard:

I couldn't find my Friday socks. Damned if I was going to wear Saturday socks on a Friday. Saturday socks have acrylic fibers; Friday is cotton-only. Somebody has to stand up for what they believe in around here, and it might as well be me.

How can I not love her?

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Pile On has his own take on Dr. Rice's confirmation hearings:

SARBANES: I think the secretary who adopts a unilateralist approach in the international environment may miss important opportunities to prevent conflicts and to build alliances. And in that regard I just note that it's not enough to have the ear of the president. I think the secretary of state must also win the ear of the world. Are you going to make friends abroad?

RICE: I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else.

If you do nothing else today, read the whole thing.

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Desert Cat finally popped the question: Who the heck is Esther Wilberforce-Packard, author of the blog Topic Drift?

Smart money says, no sweet little old lady is actually producing copy like this:

This Country is Full of Sandwiches that Do Not Work

Man is born free, but everywhere his sandwiches are in chains. Last night I forged a sandwich so hideous that I capitulated immediately. I set the bready beast in the dogÂ’s bowl and walked away in despair. It was a complete waste of horseradish-mustard and good intentions; never again will I combine the two.

Apparently, Desert Cat had a few suspects lined up, including Jeff from Oakland, the Kommissar, and Allahpundit. But Jeff has denied it, and he was my top pick: I "liked" him for this "crime."

Furthermore, I don't think it's quite the Kommissar's style, and Allah has an alibi, if I recall correctly: he was dating on nights that a few of those posts were made.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Let me know if you have any hot suspects. This person is presumably maintaining an entire blog, just for the joke value, and has been doing it for months—on top of whatver other blogging duties he/she has. So it's someone who has patience.

The other thing we can do is try to identify Mrs. Wilberforce-Packard's earliest supporters. Those initial links must include a few from her creator's "real" blog.

Who's your top suspect? Let me know. After all, we blew RatherGate wide open: we can certainly determine the true identity of an eccentric widow.

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For the five blog readers who haven't seen it yet, Michele has a post up about whether Teri Polo is too skinny, and what makes women attractive in general. It takes the post a moment to load, as she's pushing 300 comments.

Interesting discussion, though there's no way to read it all in one sitting.

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1 What's attractive? A pinup in a really tight sweater that lives in the top left corner. Oink :©)

Posted by: Masked Menace© at January 19, 2005 02:54 PM (V0Xwj)

2 And who could easily be taken for my younger sister

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 19, 2005 03:27 PM (RjyQ5)

3 the question comes down to: Victoria's Secret? or Lane Bryant? I go with the latter.. those ladies look more affectionate :-)

Posted by: pertinax at January 19, 2005 07:12 PM (E5kq3)

4 Does anybody think that's attractive?? Can you imagine what she looks like with no makeup?

Posted by: jeff at January 19, 2005 10:00 PM (pPFMG)

5 Well, the debate over at Michele's place was vigorous, but I think a lot of it came down to the pro-Polo crowd mostly looking at the Playboy pix (where she doesn't look so gaunt) and the anti-Polo crowd mostly figuring her "real" look is closer to the publicity shots, because of the degree of airbrushing Playboy does. I mean, a Playboy picture is really a painting, when you get right down to it. But the "how thin is too thin" argument has been raging for decades, all the way back to Twiggy, and continuing through the Kate Moss era. My take? The girl should eat something. She's not anorexic, but she could stand to gain 10-15 pounds.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 19, 2005 11:19 PM (RjyQ5)

6 Back in my single days, between dodging Mastadons, I had an ironclad rule that served me well...never fool around with the girls who, if you stripped them naked and gave them a bottle of red soda pop, would look like a thermometer. That's just me, though. Actually, men tend to like women who are at least something like their mothers. My wife and my momma have the same general build, the same quick intellect, the same absolute impatience with nonsense and both tougher than woodpecker lips. It shouldn't be any kind of news, my momma taught me what a woman was, and should be. She was the first woman in my life.

Posted by: Peter at January 20, 2005 07:58 AM (ywZa8)

7 So few men admit that, but I think it's true. Just one more thing for mothers to worry about: being a healthy model for their sons' wives.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 20, 2005 08:59 AM (RjyQ5)

8 Oh, great, something else for kids to blame on their parents to their therapist when they're thirty. :-) BTW, Polo is too thin. Girls should have smooth contours, not be angular.

Posted by: Masked Menace© at January 20, 2005 10:39 AM (ISV0b)

9 Thanks for the link. I would have missed it. Keep up the good work. Personally yes she could put on a few pounds, but there are some who are even thinner than her (Lara Flynn Boyle for instance). She did not seem anorexic in the PB pics. In fact if you think about her build vs Audrey Hepburn's (yesterday's post) I doubt there'd be too much difference. I always have liked the Maureen O'Hara type build myself and she was not a bone rack.

Posted by: HomericPundit at January 21, 2005 09:37 PM (+gL7j)

10 Again--if you're looking at the Playboy pix, she looks fine. But if you look at the publicity shots Michele links, she looks gaunt. The question is which is closer to her "real" look.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 21, 2005 10:35 PM (RjyQ5)

11 >>>The question is which is closer to her "real" look. *eyes glued to the PB pics* Who cares?

Posted by: HomericPundit at January 21, 2005 11:17 PM (rAE/B)

12 Men.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 22, 2005 05:11 PM (RjyQ5)

13 Nah. I couldn't make myself like even the PB pics too much. It's almost impossible to not fill in the (literal) blank where her ribs were airbrushed out.

Posted by: Desert Cat at January 22, 2005 11:41 PM (c8BHE)

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Goldstein:  “I AM A CITZEN JOURNALIST.  I DEMAND PIE!”

As do we all. Make mine lemon meringue, please.*

* And I don't care what the mainstream media say; I'm eating it for breakfast!

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I'm full of crap, too. Why, just look at the crap on my blogad column. It's a harbinger of crap to come.

For the next two weeks, the protocol for accessing Laurence's site is:

1) visit Little Miss Attila;

2) skim over her brilliant postings and be really impressed;

3) click on the This Blog Is Full of Crap ad on the right to access Lair's blog;

4) repeat daily, to get the best from both a SoCal former English major and the world's cleverest Texan Jew (eat your heart out, Kinky Friedman).

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Get your velvet Jeff while they're hot.

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is asking for help in setting the President's agenda for the next four years. Please do your part.

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1 You're so sweet - I had to do something to shut up all the yapping about his legacy - it was driving me apesh*t (can I say that here?) Thanks for the link

Posted by: Cassandra at January 11, 2005 11:51 AM (289B8)

2 Believe me--you can say just about *anything* here, as long as it isn't a personal attack on another commenter.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 11, 2005 01:04 PM (RjyQ5)

3 Well, if I can't attack Cassandra personally, can I attack her snarkily?

Posted by: Pile On® at January 12, 2005 07:50 PM (pmW6d)

4 Don't make me turn into a CapitalOne ad, particularly when I hate that company!

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 13, 2005 10:10 AM (RjyQ5)

5 No need to go all El Salvador Plan on me, I was merely trying to discover the acceptable boundaries.

Posted by: Pile On® at January 13, 2005 10:28 AM (n0vXU)

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